WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M A “ONE-UPPER”?
I MEAN THAT YOU EXAGGERATE OR OUTRIGHT LIE, NOT ONLY TO MAKE YOURSELF SEEM FAR MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU ACTUALLY ARE, BUT ALSO OUT OF A MISGUIDED SPIRIT OF COMPETITIVENESS AND/OR ENVY. THAT YOU WILL NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO JUST ENJOY SOMEONE ELSE’S EXPERIENCES AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS BECAUSE IT ERRONEOUSLY MAKES YOU FEEL INFERIOR, SO YOU FABRICATE WIDLY IMPROBABLE TALES TO SUIT YOUR NEED FOR SITUATIONAL DOMINANCE. THAT IS WHAT I MEAN BY THAT.
I DON’T DO THAT.
I’D ARGUE, BUT I HAVE A DATE AT 5:30 AND I NEED TO GET READY.
WELL THAT’S FINE WITH ME, BECAUSE I HAVE TWO DATES AT 5:30.
Hello, dear readers. It’s me, Justin (not this pidge in a bridge you see in the photo above. That’s just a pigeon that lives near my house). Long time no talk. How’s tricks? What have you been up to? Are those new shoes? I like them. Are you taller? You seem taller.
Anyway, I know how busy you are so I will get to the point: I wrote something that I actually like (in lowercase letters) for this app/magazine hybrid techno-organic iOS Skynet thing called Offline Magazine, which is basically a monthly collection of five articles/essays/etceteras that you beam into your spacephone, where they are accompanied not only by photos but also by professional narration from what I assume are reclusive pale weirdos in dank, semi-forgotten sound studios (but might actually just be normal people with accent collections and families, like Lake Bell in In A World…, which was a surprisingly enjoyable movie about the cutthroat world of movie trailer voice-overs I highly recommend you watch). That means you can either read the thing I wrote with the traditional retinal dance of saccades and fixations or listen to it on your stereophonic headphones so people around you just think you’re zoning out to marimba-heavy Beyoncé remixes like you usually do. It also only costs $.99 (or £.69 if you live near me), which is actually dirt cheap for the amount of work the Offline folks put into the thing.
You’ll have to forgive the powers-that-be (which I like to think of as Powers Boothe, a man we can all agree looks like he’s in charge of everything) for deciding that my portion of the magazine should be narrated by someone doing a voice like a snarky barista in a café with tasting notes for the coffee written on old-timey chalkboards. I didn’t pick that guy. Powers did.
Normally I don’t bother you with my extratumblicular writing activities, but this one is actually kind of decent, for a very respectable and on-the-level outfit, and comes bundled up with a piece about David Lynch from someone also named David (Griffin), some chefly words of wisdom from Miriam Nice (who just sounds nice, don’t you think?), and moving prose and futuristic thinking from Mary Chamberlain and Neal Shaffer, respectively. All with audio! For 99 cents! It’s crazy town! The town where crazy lives!
So yeah, if you want to read and/or hear 3500 words about padlocks and junkies in Glasgow, or if you want to skip it and go right to the David Lynch skyping story, click here and do whatever the futuristic robot interface tells you to do.*
Otherwise, just have a pleasant afternoon. That’s my plan.
Nice talking to you, tumblr. We don’t do this enough.
*unless it wants to touch you in your bathing suit area. nobody has the right to do that without your permission. not even skynet.